Im feeling really low. My soul itself hurts. I feel such fear for what comes for me. I want to be a writer, I pray for it. Yet Im so afraid of it. I know I can write, but what if no one wants to read it. I still fear for the unknown, but what if I make it. Then what? Do I do drugs and die young? Do I hurt more because more people want me for my skills? What do I call myself If I dont see myself as an artist? Just a lucky slut? I only had four lovers but I still see myself as a whore. No one sees me for what I can be. They just use me…Im the middle man…or woman… they dont see the love I possess and they damn sure dont respect me for It. I guess I owe myself to show what im worth. And Ill prove it!!! I know what iam. And I know what im not.
My family is my life. My family hurts me the most, but I love them until death. I will never forsake them, just teach them there is a better way. Teach me to do better….I will do better.
I really wanted to be out with friends tonight. Ive been having a huge problem being alone. I dont like seeing the same four walls day after day. Now that Jared broke my heart, Ive been out of their circle it feels like. I mean Im trying to reconnect but Its just not working….Jared fucked everything up for me…He says he still wants to be friends but lately hes been treating me like a stranger. I think its because he knows Ill never like G. And thats who he choose over our friendship apparently. Both of his friends dont care too much for her either! Cant he see what we see. Shes not at all cool. There is something so wrong with her. I didnt say anything at first because I was so sure of myself. I was so trusting that Jared cared about me. But now. I regret not telling him, I wont ever take Jared back. He missed his chance with me and In turn I lost my chance with him.
I’m mad at Jared, because Ill never really get the be his friend like before. Ill never get to be Dwayne’s or Mike’s friend either….And It hurts to have met some guys that I click with and enjoy spending time with, just to lose them to sex and a stupid short bitch that no one really likes. I see right though her and Im stating it now. She will leave him when shes sure I wont be around to take her spotlight. I know girls like that, hell I know a lot of them just like her. Only this one is ugly on the side and out. She acts so innocent but I could tell by her actions…she was threatened by me. Not just with Jared but with Dwayne and Mike. I was getting to be really good friends with them…I just hate that I cant have them back like before. I had so much fun spending the night and playing halo with Dwayne. Getting wasted playing Capt. Dickhead…it feels like Ill never have those times back because of her…and thats why I hate her. She can have Jared, all to herself! I want my friends back…I just want the fun we used to have before the drama…
And I cant tell him I feel this way…how would that make me look? Crazy? I bet. I just want to be his friend. A true friend. Not have him treat me so differently. I want him to see me as a person again. The person he had so much fun with…the one who fished with him and played hang man with at work. I just want things to blow over and things to be back to normal. Just no sex and kisses. Thats not so hard to do is it? This world sucks…once I get something good going…I lose it. Its just not fair…
Black and Mild.
The number two.
Dwayne and Mike…
Jared and G…
My worst fears were realized the other day. Jared ran off with Genevieve. Thats just life sometimes you know. He came over and talked with me, I have a feeling hes going to do the same thing to her, because like me hes a coward. Hes afraid of sticking around too long with someone. He ran. Just like I planned to. He ran fast and stuck me hard on his way out. I think they are going to work well together for a while. However, There is something about G that makes me not like her. Not even the first time we met, I couldn’t understand why I had such negative feelings about her. And Im not the only one. Shes just way too much. Shes going to devour him. I just have to remember to be that hand to give him a leg up. Im not that low person to try to push them both down.
Id like to never see her again, but I know Im going to have to. And sadly there will be a lot of tension every time me and her see each other. I dont want to cause any tension, but G knows we fucked each other, so it will cause unwanted bad attention my way.
I still really like his friends. Mike and Dewayne. They both are super awesome friends. They helped me though this more than they think. Mikey was shielding me from seeing them together at Bass Church. I was totally fine seeing her with him.
I know Im better than her, prettier than her, and far more talented than her. I thought before that she was, but then I looked around at how many people are completely on me. Not like in a bad way but there for me. Helping me though this time of complete hurt. How could he chose her? Because shes going to be the next easy target. Im really thinking im being mean, but maybe its just me being real.
When she opens up, I see alot of bad. Shes not all that bubbles all the time. Shes something sneaky and ruthless. I dont know why I see this in her, maybe its because thats whats she showed me. Her jealousy was seen the first moment we met. I was holding all the light in the room, and she couldnt have that. I know what kind of a person Iam. I bring light to every situation. Until I have one too many. And guess what. Ive been social drinking. Not getting overly drunk. Not for him or anyone but myself. Because I know what I can do for people. And I plan on doing it. Im bringing my light to the world. Prepare for less hate and more love.
We all deserve to be cared about.
Today was wonderful. I didnt have too bad a day. I had a dream about cancer and one about zombies. All in all I slept well. I spent the night with Jared. Didnt mind being naked next to him. Usually I dont like to be nude for long. This time It was ok. I feel asleep for a good minute, but then thought it would be best to get dressed. He does have a roommate so I dont wanna be too comfortable naked.
Im currently watching the walking dead. Its awesome. (Goes to watch.) So far amazing.
I already started to slow down on the smoking only two black and milds today. No cloves. Though I wanted a pack earlier. Maybe I can beat this addiction. Just have to think of my teeth and my health.
Im gunna go for now. TTFN.
I’ve been noticing I’m mostly over powered by my own thinking. The pain brings on bad thoughts that don’t ever want to go away. This depression is slowly destroying me. I think I’m going to get better. Its going to be a huge struggle. I’am beautiful. Iam smart. And I deserve to be loved. That’s my mantra that I forgot all about. I have to practice it and find a way to love myself more. Im going to shower and get all beautiful before I fall asleep. That way Ill feel wonderful and very admirable in the morning. I miss feeling on top of the world. Im going to buy my converse and get back my fishnets. Ive been so far out of my skin, I barely know me anymore. Im going to write more and speak my mind instead of holding it in. I wont guilt myself anymore for the suicide attempt or letting my sisters down all those years ago. My sister called me great last night. As much as I thought I was failing at making them strong, I actually succeeded. I wont leave my sisters to this messed up world. I will be there every step of the way, no matter how much I hurt on the inside. They need me. And Id take a lifetime of pain just for them to make it in this world. Happy and Proud. I love my family dearly. This will be my second first step at recovery. I was given a new life in Febuary. A new mind set. No more guilt Kelly. No more guilt!
1. Quit Drinking so much.
2. Quit smoking. Period.
3. Be strong.
4. Talk to family more. They want to hear what you have to say.
5. Let the little things go.
6. Enjoy life, its the only one you got.
7. Write your little heart out. Its your calling in life.
Dont forget how good the keys feel as your typing the parts to your stories.
Dont forget how beautiful words are on a page.
Dont forget to inspire yourself.
Dont forget you are tallented.
Dont forget, you will make mistakes. Learn to correct them.
8. Sleep well. 8hr max.
Bam. I feel wonderful because im angry and not sad today. I havent felt this good in a while. I lost the path i was on in high school. Its coming back around now. I feel so free by not wanting to cry. I just feel wonderful. Awesomely angry. I had a dream about Jared that wasnt loving. He fucked me and threw a condom in my face. Nice right? I mean it was just a dream but that shows my mental feeling for him. My unsettled anger at men was reinforced by that simple act in a dream. I know im better than what ive been doing. And im going to get that back. Im not a fuck toy. Iam not a drunk. Iam worth something and im going to tear the world apart to prove it. I still love this place, and im not going to try to leave it like a pussy. Death isnt worth it. Im going to fight for love and my family. Im going to do better and show the world what Kelly can do. Iam worth every single thing I want.
Watch out. Here I come.
Starting to rewrite Vampire Doll. Your going to love it. <3 Enjoy the danger and sexual content. Just give me a year and you will be amazed.
Im in love. I dont think its a bad thing and its not overwhelming and painful. Its not too strong but I care for him. Its subtle and easing its way around my heart. I feel that warmth in my chest when I see him smile. Even now the image of him playing with the behind his ear and smiling asking me, “What?” makes me smile so much. Just him being around brightens my day, and those cute little faces he makes. Lol I cant describe them, it would be too hard, but I like to see his “I hate ants” face. His lips have this stun purse to them, and his brows furrow. I laugh so hard inside because its the cutest ‘angry’ face. Its like seeing a little kid angry at his peas. Fuck, I love this feeling. Im still afraid to lose it.
Watching “Seeking a friend for the end of the world”, seems good so im going off to watch it. :]
I had a good night with my sisters boyfriend. We went down Bourbon street and had a blast. Shockingly it flew by like hours were minutes. We danced like mad men all night, shuffling and drinking to the flow of the floor. It was pretty fun. Afterwards we walked home and talked about our childhood. I like how fogged my brain gets when I walk a long distance. Of course I regret drinking and walking home because how my body feels now. I still had a nice time. Im glad i didnt do anything stupid. Still talked about wanting to die tho. Wasnt pleasant. I guess its always in there, I just pretend its not there when im sober huh. LMAO. Im such an emo, but I dont give a fuck anymore. I cry just like every person should. Now if only I could let the inner scream out. Im a stronger person today. I dont want to need anyone, i want be be self reliant. Im not going to burn the people that care for me. Im going to show them how much flare I can have. I should go down to Hustler and get a second job going. If Im going to make it, I need to go for the gold.
Things are on the up again, I enjoyed my two days of awesomeness with my friends. :3 I met some new people, who are just BEYOND awesome. I did make a few mistakes, I ended up really wasted at Jared’s again. This time it was more angry than sad. I played a drinking game and it hit home. I heard something that I thought was directed at me and I just crashed.
I went to cry alone. I didnt hold on to my emotions. I was so sad and hurt that I just wanted to scream. I hit the wall twice and crushed the fuck out of a water bottle. I have with held anger for a lot of reasons. I have to refuse to drink too much. I get it under control but then I fail when I think I can handle one more. Of course Jared was there to catch my exposed emotions, and he did make everything okay. I fought him so hard though, he wouldnt just let me go…When he entered the room I just felt like I should run. Get away from him. I told him that after tonight, I didnt want to see him anymore. The feeling I got from him told me the world. I hurt him. He didnt want me to just go. I felt like an asshole instantly. I guess thats what drove my anger. I didnt mean to be so mean. My heart wants to protect itself.
No one is like him. He just fills my heart with so much want, I dont understand these feelings, and I never will. Im pushing him too hard, soon he will have to let me go. God I wish I didn’t say those words. I wish I could take them back. I added another scar to myself. I didnt want to hurt him like that. I fought him so hard….I really need to stop. It hurt me more to know that I hurt him. I have to promise myself to never do that again.
I have to learn how to hold my drink and think before I say things.
I have to make sure to keep myself sane.
I knew things would look up. Jared stopped by and I got kisses. Thats all I really need to brighten my day.
Now my sister is coming over to take me on some errands.
I wrote a little. Though it was my weird little poem thing, it still brought up my mood.